Malleable
A few weeks ago, I was set to start the Metal Alchemy program — a 5-week Daoist exploration of the Metal element — that I had been developing for nearly a decade. But a few days before, I found myself sweating buckets, and unable to open my eyes. I finally got COVID.
The irony of contracting a respiratory disease during the Metal season before kicking off the Metal Alchemy program as a quintessential Metal Elemental Archetype is not lost on me. But this is the pattern of my life. The stubborn rigidity of my Metal is only malleable when I lose my innate ability to live a “normal” life.
So, here are the 3 lessons I learned about my Metal.
Be open to receiving kindness. Receiving is challenging for me as a Metal type. We’re used to doing everything on our own even though we secretly want people to help us. Acts of Service is definitely our Love Language. On the third day of being sick, a friend of mine texted to say she wanted to send me a care package. I ignored it until she asked again. I struggled. I was so sick that I could barely order grocery, yet I couldn't bring myself to accept this act of kindness. Then I suddenly remembered. A few weeks ago, Anjie Cho of Mindful Design assigned a Feng Shui task for me to activate more kindness into my life. I had completely forgotten about it. So here I was — a pivotal moment where the very thing I was asking more of in my life showing up to see if I am open to receive. I gave my friend my address, and within a couple of hours, I received the most glorious delivery of chicken soup, fresh sourdough bread, and herbal cough drops! This was a major step for me. I’m amazed at how simple yet challenging it is to grow. It also feels incredibly nourishing.
Resiliency is my super power. There’s a lot of discourse on toxic positivity and resiliency nowadays which I fully understand. At the same time, as a complex trauma survivor, I have struggled with accepting the fact that as a Metal, resiliency is my gift. During my lowest moment while sick with COVID, I realized that I had designed a life where I am fully independent. I recognized my privilege of being self-employed, and living in a city where I can easily get everything from Vitamin Water to Kleenex delivered. And having the money to do so. Despite being in pain and quarantined, I knew — I could get through this, and I don’t need a man to take care of me. As a woman who does not prioritize romantic relationships — specifically, marriage — this realization that I can take care of myself even at my lowest moment was empowered awakening from the social conditioning that every woman needs a man. This is a step closer to figuring out a much more bigger question I have been wondering in the last few years — If I don’t need to be in a romantic partnership, then what’s the point of being in one?
Shame morphs into the funniest shapes. Once I saw the positive COVID test, I was riddled with shame. I felt ashamed for attending a semi-indoor event, and contracting COVID when I know autumn is the Metal season, and we are far more susceptible to respiratory diseases. Also, we’re still in a pandemic. For the last couple of years, I’ve been very careful. Meaning that I’ve eaten at 2 indoor restaurants, 1 indoor event, canceled my gym membership, and still haven’t travelled. All the while watching friends live their lives. This wasn’t FOMO that I was feeling. It was a deep fear that the world was moving forward, and I was stuck in time. So I let my guard down, and got COVID. As an East Asian medicine doctor, I felt like I acted irresponsibly, and I felt stupid. I’m still struggling with this one but I remind myself that shame is the emotion the Metal knows all too well. We’re unbelievably hard on ourselves. So, rather than trying to stop feeling this uncomfortable emotion, I’m allowing myself — maybe even encouraging myself — to feel it. Not going to lie, it’s still uncomfortable which adds another layer of shame but I think it’s growth.
